She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
