Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
