No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
