i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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