Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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