Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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