Will you blow on my dice?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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