I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
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