I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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