I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
