god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm always down for nudity.
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