allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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