alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
