i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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