the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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