my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
