I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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