i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
