Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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