Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
