That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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