I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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