Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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