my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize