EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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