If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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