If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
