saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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