I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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