how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
