Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
