I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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