So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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