Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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