Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
