a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
