just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
