it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
