so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
