I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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