You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
