I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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