If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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