Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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