I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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