I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
