Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
