I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
