Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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