And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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