There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
