WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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