I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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