we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
