i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
