i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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