his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
