Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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